What is Love?

One way to think about love is to use Robert Stenberg's Triangular Theory of Love. It is a model that says there are three primary parts to love; intimacy, passion, and commitment. According to this theory, a kind of love exists in each part on its own, and in any combination of the three parts. Each part is love. Any of the parts together is love. All three parts together are love.

Intimacy

According to Robert Stenberg's triangular theory of love, Intimacy is the "I know you" of love. Instead of being a euphemism for ***, intimacy means bonding, closeness, connection and open honesty between people. Intimacy occurs when someone has enough access to their vulnerability to let someone really know who they are. This is part of why people use and drink to feel connected, because it is difficult to be vulnerable in that way when you don't know how. In his triangular model, Stenberg calls love that consists of only intimacy, without passion or commitment, "liking love."

Passion

Stenberg says that passion is the "I want you" of love. Passion means excitement, attraction, desire, and arousal. It is the heat of love. Passion occurs when someone has enough access to their vulnerability to feel how they feel and want what they want. This is part of why people use and drink to feel impassioned, because it is difficult to be vulnerable in that way when you don't know how. In his triangular model, Stenberg calls love that consists of only passion, without intimacy or commitment, "infatuation."

Commitment

According to Stenberg, commitment is the "I need you" of love. Any of the parts of love can be enacted in healthy or unhealthy ways and Commitment is no different. The unhealthy version would be something like codependence or enmeshment. Healthy commitment means interdependence, which is the ability to balance needing someone and being independent at the same time. It also means shared work/tasks/goals, day to day life, and the quality of enduring or getting through difficulties together. Commitment occurs when someone has enough access to their vulnerability to let themselves rely on another person. This is part of why people use and drink to manage feelings around commitments and to help have or avoid them, because it is difficult to be vulnerable in that way when you don't know how. In his triangular model, Stenberg calls love that consists of only commitment, without passion or intimacy, "empty love." I don't necessarily agree that commitment alone has to feel empty. People might choose this way of loving intentionally. Stenberg's background, however, is in couples therapy, so his perspective is of people who had the other two parts of love and lost them.

Stay tuned for more about the way these three parts of love interact.